The One-Two Dance of Liberation
Harsh damning words of blame brought stinging tears to my eyes. The blood rushed out of my stomach and my knees felt weak. I was paralyzed by the intensity of the condemnation. Oddly, the verbal attack was not being spoken by someone else – this voice of self- blame and shame was inside. The precipitating event was the decision to end my 10-year marriage and "break up the family." I had dreaded for months disapproval and judgment from well-meaning family and friends. No one could be harder on me in that moment than myself. So this is what I’ve been avoiding all along, I realized. No wonder I’m so afraid to take the step. A short time later I began an intensive healing program that focused on self-acceptance and self-forgiveness to release past hurt, blame, pain and guilt. The course facilitators suggested that I was my own judge, jury and punisher and the cause of much of my unhappiness. This was a defining moment. Suddenly, I could no longer blame anyone outside of me. My inner judge was the cause of my pain; the choice was to liberate myself from this self-imposed 'hell'. The key, I discovered, was getting out of my head and opening my heart. STEP ONE: Self-acceptance, opposite of self-condemnation, invites an inner voice of compassion to replace negative self-talk. “When we accept a negative voice, we admit that it exists. Admitting that I am judging (for instance) is a way of owning this part of me, and in owning it I take responsibility for everything pertaining to it. STEP TWO: Choosing to forgive myself. “Forgiving engages the heart. Self-forgiveness gives the hurt parts what they need- loving pardon for the judgments. In the process, we cease self-loathing and stop blaming and punishing ourselves. This release is a deeply loving act resulting in a vibrant sense of connectedness and inner peace. Loving is more than a feeling; it is an action arising from the awakened heart. Stirred from its slumber, the heart sets in motion an awareness that we are loving beings. This heart activity gives birth to self-esteem and in turn ignites respect from others.” Practicing step one and step two set me on the road to happiness. I repeated this one-two dance when judgment appeared and realized how much of my well-being was my choice. Do I choose the law of self-retribution and face my self- righteous sentencing, or do I choose the grace of acceptance, forgiveness and compassion? The more I made this loving choice the boundaries of my compassion overflowed into the long ago buried and discarded pieces of my painful past. Trash became treasure as I began to see the blessings in each unfortunate event. The rest is alchemy. Like the ancient wizards who sought to transmute base metals into gold, we apply an elixir and watch as nature takes its course. This elixir is loving, and when we apply it to a wound through self-acceptance and self- forgiveness, we reinvigorate our original experience of wholeness. Past, present, and future are then sanctified and we become, at heart, reborn.”"
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